5.25.2012

accurate depictions of animals: narwhal edition


One of my favorite Internet People - Katie from Don't Eat Off the Sidewalk (whose cute website graphics I maaay have had a hand in), fellow Buffyphile and creator of the tempeh buffalo wings that haunt my dreams - requested the narwhal as the next in the Accurate Depictions of Animals series. WISH GRANTED.

Now let me drop some science on you. A long time ago, unicorns roamed the Earth. It was no big deal, you'd be in the park and just see them running around like squirrels or rabbits. Sometimes one would get into your trash and you'd have to pull punctured soda cans off its horn, which was kind of a pain, but that's the price you pay for living with magic. ANYWAY. Once day some unicorns were at the beach, trying to get a base tan for summer - fun fact: unicorns tan rainbow - and they brought snacks. Unicorns were super fond of Bugles, for reasons I don't think I need to spell out. So they were laying out, eating Bugles, and basically just having such an awesome time that they didn't notice a huge wave heading for shore.

When it hit, there were unicorns and Bugles everywhere, like if someone put a bunch of unicorns and a bunch of Bugles in a snow globe and shook that baby up. When the wave was done slapping people around, the unicorns found themselves strewn across the beach, soaking wet with sand in uncomfortable places (if you know what I mean) and worst of all, totally Bugle-less.They looked out into the water and saw their precious snack horns floating on the waves, bobbing up and down, helpless and uncrunched. Having already had a pretty bad time of it, however, they decided against a rescue effort and got out of there. They could always get more Bugles at VII-XI anyway.

But the Bugles couldn't go home. The Bugles could never go home. They were cast out to sea, abandoned. But Bugles are survivors, so while a few were snapped  up by fish and seagulls, most of them did what Bugles do best: like incredibly perverse barnacles with no sense of boundaries, they Bugled their way up into some passing whales and got down to business. The business of Bugling. Somewhere between 3 days and a year later, a pod of narwhals was born. Since they were way better than all the other whales at snacking, stabbing, and stabbing things and stealing their snacks, they established dominance pretty quickly instead of dying off like the cone-headed freaks who put the Bugles in the ocean to begin with - and so began the reign of the clearly mis-named Unicorn of the Sea. I guess maybe Bugles are not great parents?

< / SCIENCE >

Next up: giraffes! Or maybe a shark? Or maybe whatever you suggest? MAYBE THAT. You too could get a completely factual story made up just for you! Or not, it depends if I'm feeling lazy.

7 comments:

  1. my mom's boyfriend randomly owns a narwhal tusk/horn and it's at least seven feet long! because why not?

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    1. What?! That is amazing.

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  2. OMG please giraffe! I love giraffes!

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  3. Adorbs! I wonder what kind of dip narwhals like?

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  4. Shaun1:07 AM

    I love the fact that as well as being super cute, this narwhal's tusk is pretty much in the right place.

    Most cartoons of narwhals have the tusk coming from the top of the head like a unicorn horn. Which is no spot to grow a tusk, as any narwhal will tell you.

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